Through the years, most adoptees and birthparents have wondered at different times what it would be like to be reunited with those with whom they have been separated through adoption.  Often birthparents have difficulty imagining their “baby” as an adult.  They hope that he/she has had a good life and hope their “child” will understand why they made the decision that they did at that time in their life.  On the other side of the coin, adoptees often fantasize about their birthparents wondering what they look like, and even placing their birthparents on a pedestal.

My challenge to all of you who are considering a search or reunion is to move slowly.  Keep in mind that all things happen in God's time.  Sometimes the person who has been “found” needs time to process how it will affect their lives.  Have they told those that are currently in their life about the most difficult decision they made many years ago?  These are all things to consider.  Trust that the process is working as it is intended.  I would propose to you who are considering a search or reunion to begin with a journal.

In the next several weeks I will be posting a series entitled: Questions to Contemplate:  Are You Ready to Move Toward Reunion? Begin your journal with some basic questions about what you expect and what you need to do to prepare.

Questions to Contemplate: Question #1….

For Birth Parents:

It is true that many birth parents cannot fully work through the loss of a child, particularly since closed adoption represents a lack of closure.  Recognizing this, you can prepare yourself mentally and examine the realities of the adoption.  Your child is no longer “your child” by virtue of association.  Your child has parents, and this actuality must be accepted before you proceed toward reunion.  Ask yourself and journal:

• How do I define adoption reunion and what is it I really seek from reunion?
• Do I believe my relinquished child will become “my child” in reality?
• Am I prepared to provide only information without a personal relationship if that’s all my child desires?
• Have I acquainted myself with information pertaining to current adoption issues?

For Adoptee:

Remember that your birth family id in certain senses probably go on with their lives.  There will be other family members to consider:  spouses, children, grandparents.  Ask yourself:

• How do I define “adoption reunion” and what do I hope to achieve by having one?
• Am I seeking a family in reunion?
• Am I seeking just information (medical, social, etc.)
• What do I see as my responsibilities for opening a door into the lives of other people?

Questions to Contemplate is from the book The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide by Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn N. Giddens, MA. This is just one of several books available for purchase from the Catholic Social Service Bookstore.

Pattie McGurk, LBSW
Search/Reunion Coordinator